[source:wired:howto:31tipsforthe31st]

Summary:

Now that you’re older, there’s certain tricks to getting those treats. While these tips technically won’t ”improve” your chances of hooking up, they should prevent you from some all-too-common mistakes:

”’1) THIS. ISN’T. SPARTAAA!”’ Unless your abs resemble a London side street in the 1800s, ditch the speedo and cape for something less revealing.http://www.wired.com/images_blogs/photos/uncategorized/2008/01/15/picture_6.png

”’2) AWWW SH!T”’ Don’t confuse it for attraction. If your costume makes someone say “Awww,” say goodbye to any chance you had that night. “Awww” is code for “OH EM GEE so kah-yuuute…but now I’ll never see you as anything more than that.” http://bionicbong.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/hello_kitty.gif

”’3) BROSTUMES”’ You know the ones. These scream keg stand and desperate at the same time. You might as well walk around with a megaphone and light-up sign that reads, “HORIZONTAL MAMBO, ANYONE?” Of course, if you prefer a more understated desperation, you could always sport this: http://www.scavengeinc.com/images/rasta/breathalyzer-costume.jpg

”’4) STAY IN CHARACTER, STAY OUT OF LUCK”’ Make no mistake, getting into character can be part of the fun, just don’t let it be all of it. For example, it’s hard for a gal to make any progress with her Wolverine when all he can do is threaten her with claws, growl, and call her “Bub.” <youtube>azHk_XLQYXo</youtube>

”’5) ZERO EFFORT, ZERO RETURN”’ So maybe you consider yourself too cool to dress up for Halloween. “I’m an adult now,” you think maturely to yourself. Well, guess what? Now you’re also the only adult not dressed up at the party and you’ve alienated everyone around you. Way to go. Welcome to Halloween—the only night where weird is normal and normal is weird. http://www.demolitionink.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/image/curmudgeon.jpg

”’6) SEEK A SEXY (INSERT NOUN HERE)”’ She could be a nurse, cat, or fire hydrant; as long as you would use the adjective “sexy,” consider her as someone out for a good time. http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_TcwbPuj2SZ0/SPK87RjK3QI/AAAAAAAAC7k/_9dQDix3_0s/s400/AAAAAjpoGMUAAAAAARa1Ng.jpg

”’7) EVERY BONNIE HAS HER CLYDE”’ Couples costumes are everywhere. Before you approach someone, please, consider their outfit. Lucille Ball? Don’t stick around to hear “Lucy I’m hoooome.” Princess Peach? There’s probably a Mario ready to knock you like a POW block. Focus on Singles. http://itpworld.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/bonnie_clyde_465x402.jpg

”’8) DON’T DRAPER”’ Consider your looks. Unless you and the Mad Man were separated at birth, you’re going to look like a guy who got off late from work. Lose the suit. http://misspinkslip.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/don_draper.jpg

”’9) MY LIPS, KISS THEM, YOU WILL”’ Star Wars and hooking up only mix at Comic Con. You might have luck with Han Solo, otherwise *waves hand* “these aren’t the costumes you’re looking for.” http://robmart.in/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/yoda1-300x300.jpg

”’10) PARTNER DOWN”’ You’ll be an ass even if you’re the head. It’s nice, some would say critical, to have a wingman by your side, just make sure he’s not attached to it. http://www.granitegrok.com/pix/horse%20costume.jpg

”’11) SCARY GOOD”’ You went all out this year. Planning several months in advance, you spent hundreds, possibly thousands on your costume. You even knew a friend who knew a guy that did Hollywood make up. The end result is stunning—you might as well be walking off the freakin’ movie set. There’s just one tiny problem; who wants to make out with this? http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_bZ7IvIZAyyY/RlpMS2rlKVI/AAAAAAAAA0E/oTpJkyHQ7Ng/s400/davyjones.jpg

”’12) ANIMALS”’ Don’t fall victim to a literal cock block. In fact, if you’re wearing a full body suit, it doesn’t matter what kind of animal you are. Unless, of course, you’re looking for a fellow [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Furry_fandom#Sexual_aspects Furry].
http://di1.shopping.com/images1/pi/6f/e4/08/38290283-300x300-0-0_Adult+Chicken+Costume.jpg

”’13) ACCESSORIES TO CRIME”’ Accessories are the touches needed to bring a costume to life, unfortunately, a lot come in the form of some weapon. Swords and guns can be awesome, but leave them at home. There’s nothing worse than being patted down outside the bar for packing plastic. http://factsanddetails.com/media/2/20090730-1612800~Samurai-Brandishing-Sword-Posters%202.jpg

”’14) CROSS DRESSING”’ It’s all fun until one of you surprises the other.
http://www.askdrding.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/09/drag%20queen.jpg

”’15) WHAT ABOUT BOB?”’ Do people even do this anymore? Well, just in case—it’s impossible to look attractive while bobbing for apples. Winning at that means losing out on any chance you had.
http://www.allotment.org.uk/greenhouse/fruit/assets/apple.jpg

”’16) MICHAEL JACKSON”’ Many will enter, few will win. Whether you’re the version from Thriller, Beat It, or Bad, stand out by having [http://www.wired.com/video/how-to-moonwalk-like-mj/41882858001 the best moonwalk possible]. http://www.doggs.com.ar/blog/Michael-Jackson-Thriller-25.jpg

”’17) ROCK STAR”’ Hours of Rock Band and Guitar Hero have readied you for this moment. In fact, it’s not that bad of a costume idea. Just don’t compare the brands of eyeliner you’re wearing. http://www.vh1.com/sitewide/flipbooks/img/artists/bret_michaels/01/12_bret.jpg

”’18) BILLY MAYS”’ Sure, because nothing screams sex symbol like this screaming infomercial host. http://haikuku.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/billymays.jpg

”’19) PRESIDENTIAL”’ Presidents have both wealth and power. Bill Clinton even proved the effect of these charms. The only problem is, you’d just be dressing up, Clinton was actually president. http://www.independent.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00116/bill-clinton_116058t.jpg

”’20) BALLOON BOY”’ You’re a last minute thinker. I know this because your mind leapt to the most recent current event possible. Fortunately, this current event is hilarious. Go for it! http://www.geek.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/balloon-boy-500-x-334.jpg

”’21) CELEBRITY PERKS”’ Pick a celebrity heart throb—any one will do. Now look through the list of movies they did on [http://www.imdb.com/ IMDB]. Great—now be one of those characters. Congratulations! You now almost, kind of, resemble an actor for whom nuns would break their vows. http://www.babble.com/CS/blogs/famecrawler/2008/09/23-End/brad_pitt-twin-book.jpg

”’22) STEVE IRWIN AND A STINGRAY”’ Yes, it’s still too soon. http://www.legenis.com/Portals/0/Legenis%20Files/General%20Images/images/who/irwin_mod.jpg

”’23) FAKE MUSTACHE”’ This is a disaster waiting to happen. The glue is never strong enough and it’s either falling into your drink or theirs. C’mon, use that upper lip area responsibly. http://www.shavingstuff.com/images/fakeMustaches-thumb.jpg

”’24) REAL MUSTACHE”’ Grow a real one and watch potential hookups part like the Red Sea.
http://static.open.salon.com/files/mustache1238691443.jpg

”’25) H1N1”’ Officially a national emergency. If you’re still healthy, you don’t want to pretend otherwise. http://oraclespeak.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/swine-flu1.jpg

”’26) RULE OF THUMB”’ You’re likely to be drunk, so don’t make it complicated. If you have a hard time going to the bathroom in it, you don’t want to wear it. http://farm1.static.flickr.com/27/58600453_d7b6ecdc34.jpg

”’27) UNMASK”’ Seriously, make like the end of a Scooby Doo episode and take that thing off. It affects your drinking, mats your hair, makes you sweat, and destroys any possible attempt at human connection. http://www.sillyjokes.co.uk/images/dress-up/masks/face-masks/human/longnose-man.jpg

”’28) VAMPIRE LUST”’ Twilight, True Blood, Vampire Diaries, The Vampire’s Assistant; the list could go on. If you wish to stand out at all, then keep your complexion and ditch the fangs this year. http://vampiremakeuphalloween.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/vampire-wig-2-300x300.jpg

”’29) SPANDEX”’ An addendum to Tip 1. Even if it covers your entire body, it’s still revealing. http://beautifulpeoplesclub.org/BPC_Blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/tron_guy.jpg

”’30) DO NOT DRESS LIKE THIS GUY (NSFW)”’ <youtube>457q-kMNzsI</youtube>

”’31) MORNING OF THE LIVING DEAD”’ Congratulations! You must have followed Tips 1 through 30. Sorry, but you are going to look like a mess—a satisfied, hooked up on Halloween, mess. Be Proud! http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Ju31xKNqtNs/SjFjU7ECwgI/AAAAAAAAAaQ/o6XXvhKUExA/s400/cryptkeeper.jpg

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